What On Earth Am I Here For?

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Reading further in my March 24th journal entry:

 

Today it seems like I am reaching a climax in my search for what I am supposed to be doing instead of just killing time.  It's like I need answers to this question so badly I will (finally) quit trying to escape into activities, or mental distractions, and confront Him a final time for the answer.

 

I have spent the morning sorting through some books to put in the church library. I had been fasting, but I finally heated my coffee and fixed some breakfast. As I sat eating and looking out the window, I told the Lord (or was He telling me?) that I had done all I could to settle this issue of what I needed to be doing. 

 

I suspect He was thinking that it was about time.  (Please excuse the pun.)

 

I have been reading in John 15 about Jesus being the vine and us being the branches. It seemed God wanted to remind me that it was HE who chose me, for fruit-bearing, whatever that looks like.

 

This thought seemed to take the onus off of me for figuring out what I should be doing, so I just kind of gave up on hearing what I was supposed to do next. Then I went back to my book sorting.

 

The next book on the pile was Secrets of the Vine by Bruce Wilkinson. I had started this book before and left a bookmark at the beginning of the chapter, "More of God, More With God." In it the author shares his journey at the point where, though his ministry is thriving, he has lost his excitement with it and has to figure out why.

 

He says, "Does any of my story ring true for you? . . .You have a good amount of fruit Yes, I have seen God working through me in many ways lately . . .you feel caught between two opposing tensions--an increasing desire to produce an even better yield and decreasing fulfillment in the fruit you are already producing."

 

He goes on to say, "You are ready for that fourth basket, the one so full of luscious grapes that it is overflowing. Yet you feel frustrated, defeated, and in danger of losing the harvest of a lifetime. And you have no idea what to do." Yup. that's me for sure.

 

Then he gets to the point: "His purpose is not that you will do more FOR Him but that you will choose to be more WITH Him." To be more WITH Him?

 

I'm not totally clear where this idea will take me but it seems I have to re-adjust my focus. Out of a great love for Him--one that He has planted in my heart--I have longed to do FOR Him--to fulfill the purposes for which He chose me. But maybe that longing has outstripped my desire just to be WITH Him?

 

Maybe the simple truth is that whatever I do FOR Him has to come out of my simply abiding IN Him. This means I have to transfer my trust from me, and what I can DO, to Him, and WHO HE IS.

 

I will have to think about this.

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