So as for spending time in God's Word (see previous post), I'm in a dilemma. I KNOW it's important, and a good thing to do, so it should be easy, right? I should be jumping at the chance to do it. For pleasure, even.
But instead I feel driven, in an anxious way, to take time to read my Bible every day. It feels so legalistic. I should simply be able to relax into the joy of spending time with Jesus, but I can't. I'm driven to the activity, rather than being drawn to it. Kind of like a vampire is driven to suck blood, not for pleasure (it can't be that much fun), but because of an unhealthy addiction (unhealthy for the victims, at least).
Yuk! My apologies for the disturbing content of this post. Vampires are on my mind because my friend, Kate Zimmerman, reviewed a vampire novel in her column in our local paper yesterday.
So that's my dilemma. Here's my diagnosis: I think the drivenness comes out of a mixture of pride and fear.
PRIDE: Reading your Bible every day is what good Christians should do, and I want to maintain the image.
FEAR: The vampirish pull of the secular society around me is so strong I’m afraid it will suck out my soul if I don’t fight back with a daily dose of eternal wisdom. In this crazy culture, I need a daily reminder that God is sovereign, even though He seems to have given us an endlessly long piece of rope with which to hang ourselves.
Sigh. So when do I get to enjoy the healthier motivation? Maybe not until heaven. I can see myself sitting down with Jesus then, when the reasons for pride and fear have been dealt with once and for all, and enjoying a pleasant visit over a spot of tea.
Meanwhile, here's my frantically acquired dose of vampire protection for today:
“I give eternal life to them; and they shall never perish, and no one shall snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”
So says Jesus, in John 10:28-30.